He found himself sitting in his usual wretched state in a dark and forgotten café. Soon, this night will be forgotten as well. Each year he never quite understood the fuzz on the last night of the year. After all these years his heart still hasn't found a hold on the situation. Half of his heart still needs time to adjust. He has been a heartless deceiver and wonders if some wounds are just not meant to be healed at all. He holds himself accountable for previous trouble he has caused. As much as he wants the past not to exist, unfortunately it still does, and it is kindly reminded by his scars.
He used to be a young vibrant guy, a manipulative bastard, that couldn't care less about anything else but his handsome allure and annoying success. He can not be held responsible for liabilities of the heart, but he can be charged with conceit for yelling his own name while having an orgasm. A price for which he now sourly pays. His selfishness was dark and disturbing.
While entertaining himself he had taken a special liking in this girl with the gorgeous green eyes that he found one night sitting alone in this particular café. He instinctively knew this girl was different. It took him quite some time to get acquainted with her, but it didn't took long before he even made her a puppet of his own varieté show. This was his biggest mistake. He underestimated her strength. Falling in love is a fluke and he has lost his mind in metaphors. If only he had put a reserve on his heart to make it less fragile.
Their attachment is excessive. Their love goes beyond what is normal or even acceptable. It is not necessary for him to still be connected to her, but she won't let him go. He will not make an appeal against the sentence she has laid upon him. He quietly undergoes her curse, which he thinks should be fair since she has suffered enough due to his idleness.
As much as he wants the old days back, he simply can't get them back. Even if they would come back they would be nothing more than a shadow of a fond memory long forgotten. No matter how hard we try to hold on to things our grasp on them is momentarily.
Watching her now from his dark corner in the café he sees the calm look upon her face. He knows her too well to know exactly what that look means: "another year to cheat and abuse".
Thinking to himself "You miserable bastard. How could you've drained the life out of this girl?".
He desperately awaits the day when she is gonna wear loads of glitter again and tinker away at the piano. All she does now is copying his behavior. He does not know whether it is her intention to punish him by copying his disgusting behavior or if it is a way to end like him and be with him again. Either way, she must be stopped.
She plays around with a satire face and mischief in her heart. She violates men in the most sensual way before ripping them apart. It gives her a combination of excitement and freight. Finding it so romantic, dark and insane at the same time.
She is disorientated and fragile. If only he could find a way to shift her perspective and provide strength. This is not a happiness project. He can not distract her with happy music when feeling gloomy. She is completely incapable now to rationalise what is required desirably to live her life pure again with a convivial attitude towards life. Almost an impossible task since she always has been a strong-willed little girl.
She is brittle and can not be welded or forged. In her lies this massive fury giving her a dangerous strength. This fury makes her even more dangerous then a loaded gun with cyanide bullets that pierce through hearts. She is having the upper-hand, she is in control and she is painfully aware of it! She is the Queen of her fantasy empire defined by her laws and won't let anyone steal her lime-light.
While seeking her inner balance, she can be somewhat excessive and also indecisive when she has to make choices and is even inadequate in doing so.
She is cast-iron, eccentric & unique. She's so effortlessly funny which instantly makes you want her to be yours. She might smile casually at you or even embrace you but she will never love you or care about you. She might seduce a boy or a girl. She might dye her hair pink or have a brunette wedge haircut. She might smoke a cigarette and have a glass of whiskey. She might reveal her sensual body to you but she will never reveal or give herself complete.
Her vanquished concentration span makes her simply vanish when she is bored or done. Leaving you bewildered behind.
Now, riddle me this: "Is she still capable of rational thought or simply not bothered about it?". He knows where she is capable of, belief is not necessary. Even she knows where she is able to, giving her a perky attitude. Every year she grows stronger by seeing that she can get away with it, continue with her schemes and take things to a further level more extreme, more dangerous and more bizarre. At the end of each year he hopes she will probably be thinking, "Obviously I haven't thought that through!" But she won't. She won't.
This dreadful year he had done substantially less caring about her and for that he blames his own bitter heart. He has not been naive, just plain ignorant, having her let her fun for far too long. Quite frankly, she scares him.
Several years he let pass by. Up until this day she still holds him in her powerful spellbind grasp.
For the fourth time he finds himself reviewing at the end of the year if he kept his resolution and he would sadly discover that he did okay-ish and will disappoint himself. But he can't get any more disappointed than he already was. He has broken every promise he possibly could. This year has been lousy. It has been a total snitch. Himself partly to blame.
Past year her mood changes seem to be more present than ever before. "Is he gonna go with it again?" He gives himself the same question every year. But this time they jointly concluded that this year will be another year. Different from personal view and different terms of priority. In short: It's time to let go. It's time to let "each other" go.
And that is how it should be, naturally. In order to go on you must be able to let go. Without doubt with a tear and a smile, but definitely with a good feeling about what is to come! He has one tender resolution for 2012, which he will make carefully. He can't be bored with details, but in this new year he is going to try his very hardest to never rest on his laurels. Oh literally, where to start with that task? Preferably near the end. If only he could make it all end.
Midnight appears.
Only a few minutes left before all hell will break loose. He hopes this is the end where everything stops. He'd better get up and walk down to the river where fireworks will burst vividly. He often asked himself “What would make me happier?”. Is there any logical answer for that?
While sunken deeply in his own thoughts bright colors decorate the black sky with thundering sounds. He looks around him to look for her but she has vanished. That moment you lose all respect for a person who you used to like. It must be this moment. He lost respect for himself years ago, and is now liking her less and less. For 10 minutes he was euphoric but apparently it's a hoax. One of her little schemes that mean nothing to her. How could he be so ignorant to believe her? He couldn't help give a timid smile, after all, she has learned everything from him. Defeated by the game he once mastered so well.
She is gone and made it snow in hell. Where are you my little princess?
